Mark Twain Sarcastic Quotes

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

Honesty is the best policy -- when there is money in it.

Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

I never let schooling interfere with my education.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

We have the best government that money can buy.

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

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