Eddie Izzard Sarcastic Quotes

What have you been reading, the Gospel According to St. Bastard?

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"

If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say 'Heimlich maneuver' when you're choking to death.

If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete!

You say 'erbs, and we say Herbs because there's a f*****g H in it!

That's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Sail halfway around the world, stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain." And they're going, "You can't claim us. We live here! There's five hundred million of us." "Do y

The National Rifle Association says, 'Guns don't kill people. People do'. But I think the gun helps.

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

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