Sarcastic Quotes

This collection of sarcastic quotes has been curated for over fifteen years. I still, sometimes, make additions or omissions, but it stays relatively untouched for the most part.

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

Ashleigh Brilliant

It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.

Paul Newman

It's a catastrophic success.

Stephen Bishop

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.

Stephen Bishop

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

Abba Eban

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

Groucho Marx

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

Groucho Marx

A man is as young as the woman he feels.

Groucho Marx

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Groucho Marx

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Groucho Marx

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Groucho Marx

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Groucho Marx

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Groucho Marx

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

Groucho Marx

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.

Frank Zappa

The 100% American is 99% idiot.

George Bernard Shaw

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.

George Bernard Shaw

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

Oscar Wilde

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Oscar Wilde

I am not young enough to know everything.

Oscar Wilde

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.

Oscar Wilde

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

Victor Borge

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Mark Twain

Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

Mark Twain

Honesty is the best policy -- when there is money in it.

Mark Twain

Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.

Mark Twain

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Mark Twain

I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.

Mark Twain

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.

Clarence Darrow

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?

Charles Pierce

You have delighted us long enough.

Jane Austen

A modest little person, with much to be modest about.

Winston Churchill

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.

William Faulkner

Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?

Ernest Hemingway

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Abraham Lincoln

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.

Irvin S Cobb

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.

Forrest Tucker

He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

Billy Wilder

The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.

Dave Barry

It is not necesssary to understand things in order to argue about them.

Caron de Beaumarchais

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

Ambrose Bierce

Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage.

Ambrose Bierce

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victems he intends to eat until he eats them.

Samuel Butler

I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't like?

Jean Cocteau

The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights.

J Paul Getty

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

Eric Hoffer

A good listener is usually thinking about something else.

Kin Hubbard

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Oscar Levant

Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in memory as the wish to forget it.

Montaigne

The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually beomes a cat.

Ogden Nash

I wish we were better strangers.

Unknown

I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.

Unknown

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Woody Allen

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Woody Allen

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Ludwig Wittgenstein

Many wealthy people are little more than janitors of their possessions.

Frank Lloyd Wright

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Vince Lombardi

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Gore Vidal

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Goethe

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

Drew Carey

Stay with me; I want to be alone

Joey Adams

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Steven Wright

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

Kurt Vonnegut

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Emo Philips

One of the lessons of history is that Nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.

Will Durant

It's a plastic surgeon you need, not a doctor

John Cleese

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

Drew Carey

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.

Unknown

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Mark Twain

I'm not so good with the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

Chandler Bing

That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.

Homer Simpson

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.

John Cleese

What have you been reading, the Gospel According to St. Bastard?

Eddie Izzard

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Seinfeld

If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.

Mark Twain

I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.

Jules Renard

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.

Carl Sagan

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Unknown

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Unknown

100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?

Unknown

For your information, I would like to ask a question.

Samuel Goldwyn

The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.

David Ogilvy

Don't be humble. You're not that great.

Golda Meir

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.

George Carlin

I want either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Ashleigh Brilliant

Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story.

Ashleigh Brilliant

The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!

Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.

Ashleigh Brilliant

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

Ashleigh Brilliant

I can do only one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously.

Ashleigh Brilliant

A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.

Abba Eban

His ignorance is encyclopedic.

Abba Eban

Better never than late.

George Bernard Shaw

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

George Bernard Shaw

It's easier to replace a dead man than a good picture.

George Bernard Shaw

Martyrdom: The only way a man can become famous without ability.

George Bernard Shaw

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

George Bernard Shaw

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!

George Bernard Shaw

A true friend stabs you in the front.

Oscar Wilde

I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.

Oscar Wilde

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.

Oscar Wilde

The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.

Oscar Wilde

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

Oscar Wilde

Why was I born with such contemporaries?

Oscar Wilde

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

Victor Borge

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

Mark Twain

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Mark Twain

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Mark Twain

Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.

Mark Twain

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Mark Twain

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

Mark Twain

I never let schooling interfere with my education.

Mark Twain

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Mark Twain

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

Mark Twain

We have the best government that money can buy.

Mark Twain

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

Clarence Darrow

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

Clarence Darrow

It's better to be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother.

Charles Pierce

I am easily satisfied with the very best.

Winston Churchill

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Winston Churchill

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Steven Wright

A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.

Steven Wright

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.

Mark Twain

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

Hedy Lamarr

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Steven Wright

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Steven Wright

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

Robert Benchley

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

George Carlin

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

P J ORourke

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Mark Twain

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Mark Twain

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Woody Allen

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Rodney Dangerfield

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Fred Allen

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneres

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Steven Wright

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.

Steven Wright

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

Oscar Wilde

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Steven Wright

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

George Carlin

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

Fred Allen

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"

Eddie Izzard

If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say 'Heimlich maneuver' when you're choking to death.

Eddie Izzard

If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete!

Eddie Izzard

You say 'erbs, and we say Herbs because there's a f*****g H in it!

Eddie Izzard

That's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Sail halfway around the world, stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain." And they're going, "You can't claim us. We live here! There's five hundred million of us." "Do y

Eddie Izzard

The National Rifle Association says, 'Guns don't kill people. People do'. But I think the gun helps.

Eddie Izzard

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

Eddie Izzard

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

George Ade

Do unto yourself as your neighbors do unto themselves and look pleasant.

George Ade

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

Mae West

Money doesn't make you happy. I have 50 million dollars now but I was just as happy when I only had 48 million.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

I have a private plane. But I fly commercial when I attend environmental conferences.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Of all the numerous awards I have received in my lifetime, this is without a doubt the most...recent.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Always give 100%, except when giving blood.

Charles Pierce

As long as I don't write about the government, religion, politics, and other institutions, I am free to print anything.

Caron de Beaumarchais
Dolomites Mountain Range, ItalyBecause mountains are not quotable.